From January 21, 2012:
Figuring out how to snowboard isn't easy. Unless you are at the Oakley Learn to Ride Powered by AT&T and the League of Super Fast Things event at Sundance. It's a magical place where they dress you in cool clothes and give you a professional to help you fall your way down the mountain. We were lucky enough to get Danny Kass, one of the top snowboarders in the world. Since it was our first time, we asked him for his top tips to avoid looking like an asshole on the slopes. He kindly obliged. Due entirely to our complete lack of skill, we aren't sure his pointers helped.
TIP #1: Go to the little girls/boys room before a big ride
You are going to be hitting the ground really hard. You are also going to be laughing at your companion eating a ski slope snow cone. There is nothing cute about having an accident in your snow pants. We can't confirm the science on this, but we think it also might put you at risk for hypothermia on your naughty parts.
TIP #2: Take it from behind
Faces are not good for cushioning falls. It's much better to take it on the behind. Falling forward will result in the beginners snowboarding "stop, drop and roll." A move where you pitch forward head over heels, limbs flailing wildly and become a hazard to anyone within five feet.
TIP #3: Dress for success
Snowboarding is one of the few times you can get away with wearing neon. Work it. Also find the right protective eye wear. There's going to be a lot of wet snow flying in your face. We tried on a pair of Danny 's new Oakleys and Sarah's still wearing them five hours later. It's a test to see if they make people more attractive after a couple hours at the bar.
TIP #4: Don't take it out on the kids.
At some point, you will be lying on your back looking up at the sky after fall 213. A two year old will go whizzing by in perfect form. You irrationally want to throw a snow ball at their head for being better than you. Pull it together. It's not their fault you snowboard worse than a toddler.
TIP #5: It's not torture
The following things are true. It's hard. You look like an idiot and you will turn your butt every color from yellow to eggplant. It's also incredibly fun and you are surrounded by beautiful mountains. We saw a couple people going to their "why am I so bad at this, I hate myself" angry place. You have to keep it in perspective and stay loose.